Dear "Dog Mom"

I was driving my boyfriend to his car this morning because the parking ordinances in my town are criminal, but I digress. En route, I got stuck behind an SUV going 17mph. Said SUV had an oval sticker on the trunk door announcing to the world, in case anyone was interested, that she is a "Dog Mom".

My road-rage is epic, eclipsed only by my mother's which can be accurately described as legendary. She once, without any segue, explained to me what we were having for dinner, called some random motorist a tw*t, and then told me she loved me.

Interesting Fact: Pointless bumper stickers send me into a frenzy of snobbish rage.

If you feel the need to indicate details about yourself on the outside of your car, you are the wrong sort of person. You are in the same class of people that puts peanut butter in the refrigerator: unwashed savages. I don't care about your honors student, your lacrosse team, or that you break for squirrels. Your stick-figure family is offensive to my delicate sensibilities. VT, LBI, CA, MV, ACK, OBX - what am I supposed to glean from this other than you are certainly a white chick?

Also, Jesus Fish sounds delicious.

Where was I going with this?

[10 minute tea break]

Dear Dog Mom,

You probably don't remember me, but I was stuck behind you while you drove 8 mph below the lowest speed limit possible. This was bad enough, but you had a sticker on your trunk that said "Dog Mom". I can only assume that this information was meant for me due to it's location, though I'm not sure why your relationship to your dog is pertinent to my driving experience.

My car has a decal of Ursula the sea witch on my rear driver's side window. Based on this, please assume that the next time I get stuck behind you, I will steal your voice and then your man.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

Inaugural Post, Maiden Voyage, Champagne Bottle Assault

I tend to ramble and generally don't conform to pesky things like sequence. This is done purposely, not to confuse you, dear reader, but rather to break Time down into its basic components...of which there are none.

I'm a scatter-brain. An addle-pate. If I were a Furry, I would be a raccoon.

I'm not sure what this blog is even about. Are you? Why did you come here? We may never know the answers to these questions.

A little bit about me: I'm a cisgender white gay man. I try not to mansplain, but I definitely dadsplain which I don't think is as bad because it means I love you. None of my pants fit right now, so I'm trying to eat more vegetables and less pizza. I'm in a relationship with a sweet man that both delights and enrages me in the same breath. I just had some chia pudding.

I'm also a children's book author, something I never thought I'd be saying. Sure, I wrote a lot when I was young. Mostly sad poems and homoerotic short stories about my classmates, but I probably wasn't alone in that. It wasn't until my 30's that I grabbed an opportunity to participate in a collective writing effort called "The Cardboard Kingdom" organized by gaymous (gay famous, for the laymen) artist and author, Chad Sell. After two years of collaboration, we are looking at a release date of June 5, 2018. Thanks, Knopf!

When most kids were doing normal suburban white people things, I was brewing potions and lip-syncing in the bathroom mirror in my mother's make-up. While my mother was at work, I was choreographing my baby brother, Dylan, to Joan Osborne songs. Pretty standard stuff.

I always wanted to be a writer, but alas, bills needed to be paid and so I was entrenched in retail Purgatory for the better part of  20 years. I learned a lot, mostly how to interface with the general public in an amiable manner.

Some notes on the general public:

1. The General Public is populated mostly by simulated beings whose soul purpose is to inhibit you in one way or another.

2. The General Public cannot be reasoned with and so surrender is usually best.

3. The General Public does not agree with anything you do or say.

4. Happiness and the General Public are mutually exclusive.

5. Avoid the General Public.

My exposure to the General Public is extensive, though in recent years I have receded into a slightly less social paradigm I'm calling "hermit chic". You should try it.

More to come. Mostly drivel.