Fire Mountain Gems: Coronavirus Edition

Heyo! Esther Pollock here. As you probably know, I'm the head honcho over here at Fire Mountain Gems. I'm pictured here with my fellow FMG designers, Scotty Blumpkin and Dan Pizzazz. Don't worry, this picture was taken a long time ago; we are all responsibly social-distancing as per the CDC and the great state of Minnesota. We just want you to know that Fire Mountain Gems is here for you during this uncertain time. And I know some of you are concerned that our entire catalog of products is manufactured in the People's Republic of China, but rest assured I am drowning that shit in sanitizer and prayer.

After several months of mandatory isolation, I can now say with confidence that I am a cross stitch master:

I've been keeping my mind sharp; I have read every issue of TV Guide from 1967 to 1992. I have seen every episode of New Girl, twice. The sound of my husband's voice makes me want to whip him to death with a slightly used cat o' nine tails I picked up at a swap meet. I have enough toilet paper to last until Spring 2046. If I have to eat one more bean, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Luckily, with so much time on their hands, my team has been hard at work to bring you these quarantine chic designs. I'm very proud of what we've done here amidst this crisis, and I hope you can appreciate the craftsmanship as I do.

I can hardly believe it myself, Louise! Who doesn't like disembodied heads of conjoined twins, I ask you?* Connected by Louise Shadonix reminds us to stay connected but non-physically because you don't want to catch the coronavirus and get decapitated like these poor bastards. Decapi-tantalizing!

I would wear this to an African Wildlife Foundation charity gala, if such a thing still existed. I met Joe Exotic at the last one. Nice fella. A little liberal with the Drakkar Noir though.

*[I was later told this was supposed to be the disembodied heads of a mother and baby giraffe. Either way, disembodied heads, am I right?]

I mean, ok. Rainbow Rock Garden by Sarah Machtey doesn't have any rocks in it. I just want to be upfront about that.

This piece is perfect if you are an elementary school art teacher with nothing to lose. The online school year is winding down and you've got fake leaves in storage that are taunting you from the crawlspace. You could whip this up in 2 minutes in the comfort of your own home and still have time for a cam-show before you take a few online surveys to earn Amazon gift-cards. Can be worn all seasons, tits in or out.

Ilaria, you've done it again. Once Upon a Time, I nearly gagged on the elegance of this piece. Medieval meets magnifique! Versatile doesn't begin to describe this complicated mesh of fantasy themed elements like weird babies lustily cupping landscapes, double dragon castle times, and a fancy fairy dangling from the bottom by her teeth. Just throw this on with any old thing: some peachy scoop-neck flowy top; why not? Sure to be a conversation starter with yourself since you can't go anywhere or see anyone. I guess you could wear it on a video call. Wear it on a Zoom call! Or Skype! Do people still Skype or is that only for masturbating?

That's all for now, my little gems. Stay tuned for more jewelry you can wear at home with your cat while you bury your children under the shed. Stay safe! Wash your hands! No mouth stuff, only hand stuff! Then wash you hands again!

Best,

Esther Pollock
Head Designer
Fire Mountain Gems

Heyo!

Heyo.

Esther Pollock here. You probably know me from my brief stint as a stunt double for Jennifer Lien as Kess on Star Trek: Voyager. I'm also a licensed shiatsu massage therapist and notary public on the weekends. Most of all, I am the creative genius behind Fire Mountaim Gems.

2020 marks my 14th year here at Fire Mountain Gems, and to celebrate we've designed some of the most audacious jewelery in the history of jewelry. Itself. Think about that. Let that sit with you for a while.

Let's jump right in!

"Double Deco" by Bettye Monzo

Bettye (pronounced bett-yeh) from Muncie, Indiana made this by hand and with little tweezers and a magnifying glass and a lot patience and good strong drink. Modeled by Gertrude from our Order Fulfillment Department. Perfect with a nondescript grey comfy-shirt. I would wear a design like this around the house on a day off. Unshowered.

"Twilight" by Guzialia Reed

"Keep it simple, Guzialia!" I said to her, but there you are. Modeled by Candace from our Pagan Relations Department. This piece covetted by banshees across the globe was once worn by Loreena McKennitt during her '02 tour, Canadian Witchcraft: An Ode to the Hurdy Gurdy. I love a 73 minute long lament featuring the lush sounds of the accordian, don't you? Truth be told, Loreena was later hospitalized due to a neck injury caused by the weight of this piece. Classic Guzialia.

"A Song of Ice and Fire" by Tatiana Van Iten

I had suggested "A Santa Beard from Far Away" as a working title but some people don't take kindly to humorous scenarios. This piece is great if you are cosplaying as an anthropomorphic ostrich flamenco dancer who is a widow in the Roaring Twenties. Prohibition Chic.

Good band name.

That's all for now, but stay tuned! 2020 has only just begun and me and the girls are just getting warmed up.

Best Wishes,

Esther Pollock

Head Designer

Fire Mountain Gems

Archival Fire Mountain Gems entry

[One from the vaults]

Heyo! Esther Pollock here - man-eater, part-time lover, and maniac. When I'm not photoshopping Chuck Norris' head onto well oiled nude bodies, I'm head designer here at Fire Mountain Gems - an American by-way-of-China institution.

So let's just cut the crust off this shit sandwich and get to the guts - 2017 was not a great year for designs. We're in the new year now, so let's start things off right with..."Venetian Beauty" by metal clay contest finalist, AnnMarie Fireman of Michigan, Ohio. This is a whopper, ladies. Weighing in at a whimsical 18.5lbs, Venetian Beauty will compliment any style: sassy librarian, coarse-yet-lovable sitcom sidekick, hippie refugee bootcamp counselor, or mystical sorceress of the wood.

And this is just the beginning! I've been designin my ass off and I just can't wait to show you more. Stay tuned! And Happy New Year!