Fire Mountain Gems: Coronavirus Edition

Heyo! Esther Pollock here. As you probably know, I'm the head honcho over here at Fire Mountain Gems. I'm pictured here with my fellow FMG designers, Scotty Blumpkin and Dan Pizzazz. Don't worry, this picture was taken a long time ago; we are all responsibly social-distancing as per the CDC and the great state of Minnesota. We just want you to know that Fire Mountain Gems is here for you during this uncertain time. And I know some of you are concerned that our entire catalog of products is manufactured in the People's Republic of China, but rest assured I am drowning that shit in sanitizer and prayer.

After several months of mandatory isolation, I can now say with confidence that I am a cross stitch master:

I've been keeping my mind sharp; I have read every issue of TV Guide from 1967 to 1992. I have seen every episode of New Girl, twice. The sound of my husband's voice makes me want to whip him to death with a slightly used cat o' nine tails I picked up at a swap meet. I have enough toilet paper to last until Spring 2046. If I have to eat one more bean, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Luckily, with so much time on their hands, my team has been hard at work to bring you these quarantine chic designs. I'm very proud of what we've done here amidst this crisis, and I hope you can appreciate the craftsmanship as I do.

I can hardly believe it myself, Louise! Who doesn't like disembodied heads of conjoined twins, I ask you?* Connected by Louise Shadonix reminds us to stay connected but non-physically because you don't want to catch the coronavirus and get decapitated like these poor bastards. Decapi-tantalizing!

I would wear this to an African Wildlife Foundation charity gala, if such a thing still existed. I met Joe Exotic at the last one. Nice fella. A little liberal with the Drakkar Noir though.

*[I was later told this was supposed to be the disembodied heads of a mother and baby giraffe. Either way, disembodied heads, am I right?]

I mean, ok. Rainbow Rock Garden by Sarah Machtey doesn't have any rocks in it. I just want to be upfront about that.

This piece is perfect if you are an elementary school art teacher with nothing to lose. The online school year is winding down and you've got fake leaves in storage that are taunting you from the crawlspace. You could whip this up in 2 minutes in the comfort of your own home and still have time for a cam-show before you take a few online surveys to earn Amazon gift-cards. Can be worn all seasons, tits in or out.

Ilaria, you've done it again. Once Upon a Time, I nearly gagged on the elegance of this piece. Medieval meets magnifique! Versatile doesn't begin to describe this complicated mesh of fantasy themed elements like weird babies lustily cupping landscapes, double dragon castle times, and a fancy fairy dangling from the bottom by her teeth. Just throw this on with any old thing: some peachy scoop-neck flowy top; why not? Sure to be a conversation starter with yourself since you can't go anywhere or see anyone. I guess you could wear it on a video call. Wear it on a Zoom call! Or Skype! Do people still Skype or is that only for masturbating?

That's all for now, my little gems. Stay tuned for more jewelry you can wear at home with your cat while you bury your children under the shed. Stay safe! Wash your hands! No mouth stuff, only hand stuff! Then wash you hands again!

Best,

Esther Pollock
Head Designer
Fire Mountain Gems