One year ago today, you started your cosmic journey. It is a day that frankly haunts me. I can remember seeing your face in the clouds on the ride home from the hospital. There are other things I wish I could forget.
There were so many times I wanted to call you and tell you something funny or interesting or recommend an awesome movie. Those are the worst moments.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear a song on the radio that reminds me of you. Indigo Girls or Enya or Steeleye Span will come on shuffle in the car and I turn up the volume to sing along. Well, except to Enya because what the fuck is she even saying really?
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine, yeah
I watch movies like Big Trouble In Little China or the Golden Child because they make me feel good. I have VHS tapes from the 80's where you are smiling and laughing and cracking jokes. On my second birthday when you and Mom and me were walking around in the wilds of Waldwick, you posed for a picture with mom while Jimmy Ambrose held the camera and you kept grabbing mom's boob. It was pretty hilarious. Neither of you have changed one bit. It's funny to hear your young voices, octaves higher than now. Still slinging the same catchphrases and making the same faces. I don't know if having the ability to see you and hear you and watch you live again is a blessing or not. It's almost cruel in a way.
If I see a silver beard and a motorcycle, for a minute I think it's you, everytime.
It hasn't gotten any easier. There are a lot of things I regret. There are a lot of things I wish I hadn't said and I lot of things I wish I had said. Regrets are pointless, but I think that makes them sting all the more. Am I making sense?
I don't think anyone is having an easy time with your absense. We all have guilt and regret to deal with, and it hasn't come easy. There have been injuries along the way, miss-steps. I'm not sure what to do now; not sure there is anything left to do except try to figure out how life looks without you. I hope you are out there in the stars keeping an eye on things and it brings me comfort to imagine that. It's probably a fairytale, but if anyone can make me believe in magic it is you.
Belief in magic was your gift to me.
Please watch over us. Especially my brothers. I love you. I wish you were here.
Love,
David
PS - There are still no aliens and Hillary Clinton hasn't transformed into a lizard on live television yet. Yet.
