I won't be talking about coronavirus, mmk

 Instead, we will make up backstories for some Lego Friends sets. That's more fun than coronavirus.

Andrea has been alone in the woods for days, surviving on marshmallows and boiled creek water. The map is no good; the forest keeps changing. The squirrel knows something. It watches her, always watching from the stump where the yellow flowers grow. She uses the flash on her camera to keep the shadows away. Maybe it's the roses that draw them in. Maybe it's the smell of burning marshmallows. Maybe it's the Squirrel.

Stephanie and Olivia are in their own personal Hell. In this Hell, Stephanie and Olivia are forced to go food shopping and fight over the solitary items available in this surreal, half-outdoor grocery store that only has one of everything. Stephanie wants the banana, but Olivia got there first. Stephanie gets desperate and offers her a lemon ice pop in exchange. Olivia just stares at her and continues shopping. Nobody wants your lemon ice pop, Stephanie.

Who will end up with the croissant? Will Olivia get the apple and  the carrot on a clean sweep through the milkshakes, leaving Stephanie forever bargaining with her frozen lemony shame?

There is the pink jeep, of course, but it won't start if you try. Anyway, you wouldn't make it that far. There is neither a register nor a cashier. So you put everything back and start shopping again.

She always gets that banana first though. And you always have that lemon ice pop. Did you come in with it? You can't remember, so you just keep shopping.

Having escaped the clutches of the Squirrel Lord and his shadow creepers, Andrea throws a party and invites all of her Elder-God-possessed animal friends, She'vrlgrol the Purple Parakeet of Gaping Hunger and Wizvjinoth the Bunny Rabbit of the Profane Order of Shrieking Anguish. The cake, made of the spectral remains of the Squirrel Lord, would be fed to the neighborhood children, rendering them under control of the Dread Sorceress Andrea, Scourge of the Multiverse, Bringer of Pain, Mistress of Chaos. With them, she will start an army and conquer the Universe. Woeful be her reign! Also, Karaoke!

Party hats will be provided, as well as your choice of goblets of blood or the house special, Lavender Elixir of Abomination. One admission ticket gets you a slice of spectral remains cake and one drink ticket. In lieu of gifts, please make all ritual sacrifices in the name of the Elder Gods, forever shall they reign. All hail Sorceress Andrea! All hail the Creeping Chaos!

Stephanie is grooming her newborn lamb. The lamb's mother, Sweet Sally, was the blue-ribbon winner two years running at the Cayuga County fair. Sweet Sally disappeared one night after bright lights in the sky woke up the whole household. By the time Stephanie and her Aunt Verna got out to the barn, Sweet Sally was gone. In her place, was the newborn. The thing was, Sweet Sally was only just pregnant and wasn't due for another 4 months. Yet here was this fully formed and conscious lamb, completely clean and calm. It bleated and Stephanie immediately fell in love with it.

"What should we name her?" asked Aunt Verna.

"Her name is Lula Mae." replied Stephanie.

Peculiar. Stephanie had a twin sister named Lula Mae, but there's no way she could know anything about that. After the accident, her Aunt Verna and Uncle Jamie took her in. She had no recollection of it, thank God; she was too young and suffered a terrible head injury. They buried her parents and sister and hid all traces of Lula Mae. It was Lula Mae's power that caused the accident, after all. Verna had warned her sister about that girl, but she wouldn't hear it.

"Where did you hear that name?"

"She told me, Aunt Verna. The lamb told me."

Since that day, Stephanie brushes Lula Mae every morning and sings to her. The lamb only bleats for her. Aunt Verna doesn't like the lamb. Whenever she goes into the back yard but especially if she gets close to the barn, she swears she can hear chattering. It gets louder the closer she gets, but when she gets inside the chattering stops and it is just Lula Mae staring blankly at her. It makes her uneasy and she wishes the lamb would go away or at least make its intentions known.

Verna was no stranger to the arcane ways, descending from a long line of prestigious geomancers and hedge witches. The same blood flowed through Stephanie's veins, the same power Lula Mae had. Whatever this thing was, even if it was somehow Lula Mae, it was dark-sided; this much was clear to Verna. The idea of something literally being in sheep's clothing didn't escape her and she hmmphf-ed to herself as she thumbed through her ritual tome. She would need to summon all her strength and send a call through the earth itself for reinforcements from the other tribes. Lula Mae's dark magic was only just beginning to manifest. This fight could not be won alone.

Toys "R" Bust

Beloved toy retailer, Toys "R" Us, is soon to be but a memory.

My brother Dane notified us in a group text message:

*Peenaponatuna is the name I selected for my brother, Dane, when my parents asked me what I wanted to name him. I was 2 and change at the time. The spelling is still disputed to this day.

We ended up going to the Wayne Hills Mall location that Sunday. I had a lot of grand ideas about the items I would purchase while we drove there, passing the brushed silver sign for Toys "R" Us headquarters in Wayne, NJ. I imagined board games and the family game nights that would follow. I imagined rolling around on my bed nude covered in Lego minifigures, like I was Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal (Indecent Legosal, if you will). My mind raced with visions of Mario Brothers plushies and Pop Vinyls. Ninja Turtles and Nerf guns.

The parking lot wasn't as packed as I thought it would be. Not surprising really since the Wayne Hills Mall is all but abandoned, a relic of a time before super stores and online shopping.

Wayne Hills Mall entrance. (Photo credit: goodrob13 on flickr)

Mom taking a picture of the storefront.

My dreams of board games and Legos were immediately dashed upon entering the building. People were rummaging through the aisles which were stocked haphazardly. Obviously, the plan was to get every item out on the shelves as quickly as possible. We approached the board game area which was desolate. But there were plenty of these:

Fig. 1.1 the dreaded Silly Sausage

Fig. 1.2 #pokeme

I can only assume that the Silly Sausage's predecessor was the Bop It. I'm not sure exactly why they made it into a sausage. In fact, I find the transformation rather perverse. See for yourself...

Truly edifying. And horrifying.

We hurried around the corner to the Lego section and the wind was knocked out of me.

Not a single item remained. They must have been among the first things to go. Suddenly we were filled with dread. We all came to the same panicked thought next. Nerf guns!

We dashed through the store and were lucky enough to find Star Wars themed Nerf dart blasters and several packs of 100 darts. These blasters also made the signature Star Wars blaster sound when you pulled the trigger. We had lucked out. This was not good news for my mother, however, as she bore the brunt of most of our Nerf gun attacks.

Moving through each remaining aisle, dodging our fellow vultures picking the bones clean from this once great toy behemoth, I couldn't help but feel sad. It was sad.

We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so when we got to go to Toys "R" Us, it was usually for our birthdays or as a special treat. There was a sense of awe walking through the aisles, seeing all the games and toys, making a Christmas list in your head. Our family made an art out of window shopping. Sometimes we would go to stores just to look at things. People think that's sad when I tell them that, but really it was fun for us. The fantasy of having everything you wanted was better than not having it.

As an adult the feeling was very different, especially given the circumstances.

I am, by nature, overly sentimental - I'll save a scrap of ribbon or a ticket stub if it reminds me of something lovely. In that sense, I'm glad we took our last trip to Toys "R" Us together, and I'm sad to see it go not because of the company itself but because of the wonder that it will take with it. Maybe kids now and in the future will get the same feeling wandering the limited toy aisles of Target and Walmart. Maybe it's being a kid that brings magic to places and not the other way around. Dane was right, it was a funeral, but not for our generation's toy store - it was a funeral for our childhood.

What now?

Armed with their Nerf blasters, the three brothers stared off into the sunset not sure of where to head next. What adventures awaited them in adulthood?

"Are we ready?" David said, plucking the solitary white hair from his beard.

Dane stuck the shovel into the ground having just buried Geoffrey.

They looked at him, slightly younger but already feeling the sharp pain of growing up. They smiled.

"Locked and loaded, bro." said Dylan.

"Cowabunga." said Dane.