You're too busy, eating sesame sticks discounted from TJ Maxx

"...you're too busy, eating sesame sticks discounted from TJ Maxx." said my boyfriend in the voice of Veronica Cartwright from Witches of Eastwick.

And that's true. I just can't seem to get enough of those discounted sesame sticks from TJ Maxx. And that artichoke spread. And Tajin gummy peach rings.

You're probably asking yourself, "What kind of a person eats food from TJ Maxx?" And fuck you for judging me. I am clearly the kind of person that eats food from TJ Maxx. A desperate man on the edge of apex absurdity.

How did we get here? That is a somewhat longer conversation.

We went to visit my mother somewhere deep in the Pine Barrens. Her den was awash in tiny sparkle lights in mason jars and decorative vases as we watched a show called Neighborhood Wars featuring videos and interviews centering around neighbors behaving badly. There was a lot of yelling and cursing, some hammers, and very few bras. I love shows like this because they are gross and I'm gross for enjoying them. So gross to them and gross to me too. Also, these shows are even more fun to watch with my mother because she has already watched all of the episodes, so I get the benefit of her commentary.

A couple of weeks later, we came back for Thanksgiving and there were two more iterations of this show: Customer Wars and Road Wars. Now, the themes of these shows are obvious but what became more obvious was that these videos are largely new and all from the Covid years. Neighborhood Wars came out in late 2021 and claims in the intro that because of an influx of people moving into the suburbs, "relationships between neighbors are being put to the test". People are behaving badly. Things are getter worse. The news is disturbing, and the bombs could drop at any moment, but keep going to work and act like everything is fine. Precariat!

Everybody has gone crazy. You know that, right? All you have to do is look around.

Christmas Wars is coming out soon, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it immensely.

We decorated the tree and watched some Christmas movies, the horrific Polar Express leading the pack for the title of Creepiest Holiday Movie Ever. Starring Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks, and Tom Hanks. Heart stopping train action, bad character acting, little teeth, hobo ghosts, and the uncanny valley. It's my boyfriend's favorite Christmas movie, so I must endure it year after year just like he must endure the 24-hour Christmas Story cycle at my mother's house. We all make sacrifices in the name of love and Christmas.

I'm never really sure where these things are going to go. Perhaps that's the point.

Nelson is doing an online yoga class right now as I write this, and they are talking about yoga blocks. It makes me think about how overpriced Whole Foods is. You can get that yoga mat for $39.99 at Whole Foods or $14.99 at TJ Maxx. $7.99 for that seasonal hot cocoa in the glass bottle at Whole Foods or $4.99 for the exact same thing at TJ Maxx. I think that if you aren't eating food from TJ Maxx, you are the asshole.

Tom's of Maine toothpaste is $9.99 a tube now. Isn't that insane? I'm about to make my own toothpaste out of rocks and salt at this point.

Well, that's all for now. Back to designing t-shirts and drinking ginger beer.

This message brought to you by Cologuard. Cologuard: we'll tell you if you have colon cancer. Maybe.

I won't be talking about coronavirus, mmk

 Instead, we will make up backstories for some Lego Friends sets. That's more fun than coronavirus.

Andrea has been alone in the woods for days, surviving on marshmallows and boiled creek water. The map is no good; the forest keeps changing. The squirrel knows something. It watches her, always watching from the stump where the yellow flowers grow. She uses the flash on her camera to keep the shadows away. Maybe it's the roses that draw them in. Maybe it's the smell of burning marshmallows. Maybe it's the Squirrel.

Stephanie and Olivia are in their own personal Hell. In this Hell, Stephanie and Olivia are forced to go food shopping and fight over the solitary items available in this surreal, half-outdoor grocery store that only has one of everything. Stephanie wants the banana, but Olivia got there first. Stephanie gets desperate and offers her a lemon ice pop in exchange. Olivia just stares at her and continues shopping. Nobody wants your lemon ice pop, Stephanie.

Who will end up with the croissant? Will Olivia get the apple and  the carrot on a clean sweep through the milkshakes, leaving Stephanie forever bargaining with her frozen lemony shame?

There is the pink jeep, of course, but it won't start if you try. Anyway, you wouldn't make it that far. There is neither a register nor a cashier. So you put everything back and start shopping again.

She always gets that banana first though. And you always have that lemon ice pop. Did you come in with it? You can't remember, so you just keep shopping.

Having escaped the clutches of the Squirrel Lord and his shadow creepers, Andrea throws a party and invites all of her Elder-God-possessed animal friends, She'vrlgrol the Purple Parakeet of Gaping Hunger and Wizvjinoth the Bunny Rabbit of the Profane Order of Shrieking Anguish. The cake, made of the spectral remains of the Squirrel Lord, would be fed to the neighborhood children, rendering them under control of the Dread Sorceress Andrea, Scourge of the Multiverse, Bringer of Pain, Mistress of Chaos. With them, she will start an army and conquer the Universe. Woeful be her reign! Also, Karaoke!

Party hats will be provided, as well as your choice of goblets of blood or the house special, Lavender Elixir of Abomination. One admission ticket gets you a slice of spectral remains cake and one drink ticket. In lieu of gifts, please make all ritual sacrifices in the name of the Elder Gods, forever shall they reign. All hail Sorceress Andrea! All hail the Creeping Chaos!

Stephanie is grooming her newborn lamb. The lamb's mother, Sweet Sally, was the blue-ribbon winner two years running at the Cayuga County fair. Sweet Sally disappeared one night after bright lights in the sky woke up the whole household. By the time Stephanie and her Aunt Verna got out to the barn, Sweet Sally was gone. In her place, was the newborn. The thing was, Sweet Sally was only just pregnant and wasn't due for another 4 months. Yet here was this fully formed and conscious lamb, completely clean and calm. It bleated and Stephanie immediately fell in love with it.

"What should we name her?" asked Aunt Verna.

"Her name is Lula Mae." replied Stephanie.

Peculiar. Stephanie had a twin sister named Lula Mae, but there's no way she could know anything about that. After the accident, her Aunt Verna and Uncle Jamie took her in. She had no recollection of it, thank God; she was too young and suffered a terrible head injury. They buried her parents and sister and hid all traces of Lula Mae. It was Lula Mae's power that caused the accident, after all. Verna had warned her sister about that girl, but she wouldn't hear it.

"Where did you hear that name?"

"She told me, Aunt Verna. The lamb told me."

Since that day, Stephanie brushes Lula Mae every morning and sings to her. The lamb only bleats for her. Aunt Verna doesn't like the lamb. Whenever she goes into the back yard but especially if she gets close to the barn, she swears she can hear chattering. It gets louder the closer she gets, but when she gets inside the chattering stops and it is just Lula Mae staring blankly at her. It makes her uneasy and she wishes the lamb would go away or at least make its intentions known.

Verna was no stranger to the arcane ways, descending from a long line of prestigious geomancers and hedge witches. The same blood flowed through Stephanie's veins, the same power Lula Mae had. Whatever this thing was, even if it was somehow Lula Mae, it was dark-sided; this much was clear to Verna. The idea of something literally being in sheep's clothing didn't escape her and she hmmphf-ed to herself as she thumbed through her ritual tome. She would need to summon all her strength and send a call through the earth itself for reinforcements from the other tribes. Lula Mae's dark magic was only just beginning to manifest. This fight could not be won alone.

Fire Mountain Gems: Coronavirus Edition

Heyo! Esther Pollock here. As you probably know, I'm the head honcho over here at Fire Mountain Gems. I'm pictured here with my fellow FMG designers, Scotty Blumpkin and Dan Pizzazz. Don't worry, this picture was taken a long time ago; we are all responsibly social-distancing as per the CDC and the great state of Minnesota. We just want you to know that Fire Mountain Gems is here for you during this uncertain time. And I know some of you are concerned that our entire catalog of products is manufactured in the People's Republic of China, but rest assured I am drowning that shit in sanitizer and prayer.

After several months of mandatory isolation, I can now say with confidence that I am a cross stitch master:

I've been keeping my mind sharp; I have read every issue of TV Guide from 1967 to 1992. I have seen every episode of New Girl, twice. The sound of my husband's voice makes me want to whip him to death with a slightly used cat o' nine tails I picked up at a swap meet. I have enough toilet paper to last until Spring 2046. If I have to eat one more bean, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Luckily, with so much time on their hands, my team has been hard at work to bring you these quarantine chic designs. I'm very proud of what we've done here amidst this crisis, and I hope you can appreciate the craftsmanship as I do.

I can hardly believe it myself, Louise! Who doesn't like disembodied heads of conjoined twins, I ask you?* Connected by Louise Shadonix reminds us to stay connected but non-physically because you don't want to catch the coronavirus and get decapitated like these poor bastards. Decapi-tantalizing!

I would wear this to an African Wildlife Foundation charity gala, if such a thing still existed. I met Joe Exotic at the last one. Nice fella. A little liberal with the Drakkar Noir though.

*[I was later told this was supposed to be the disembodied heads of a mother and baby giraffe. Either way, disembodied heads, am I right?]

I mean, ok. Rainbow Rock Garden by Sarah Machtey doesn't have any rocks in it. I just want to be upfront about that.

This piece is perfect if you are an elementary school art teacher with nothing to lose. The online school year is winding down and you've got fake leaves in storage that are taunting you from the crawlspace. You could whip this up in 2 minutes in the comfort of your own home and still have time for a cam-show before you take a few online surveys to earn Amazon gift-cards. Can be worn all seasons, tits in or out.

Ilaria, you've done it again. Once Upon a Time, I nearly gagged on the elegance of this piece. Medieval meets magnifique! Versatile doesn't begin to describe this complicated mesh of fantasy themed elements like weird babies lustily cupping landscapes, double dragon castle times, and a fancy fairy dangling from the bottom by her teeth. Just throw this on with any old thing: some peachy scoop-neck flowy top; why not? Sure to be a conversation starter with yourself since you can't go anywhere or see anyone. I guess you could wear it on a video call. Wear it on a Zoom call! Or Skype! Do people still Skype or is that only for masturbating?

That's all for now, my little gems. Stay tuned for more jewelry you can wear at home with your cat while you bury your children under the shed. Stay safe! Wash your hands! No mouth stuff, only hand stuff! Then wash you hands again!

Best,

Esther Pollock
Head Designer
Fire Mountain Gems

[NSFW] An Idiot's Guide to Staying the F*ck Home: Grocery Store Edition

If you hear yourself saying, "Do you have honey butter? … Well, the website says you have it." you should probably stay the fuck home. Also, if you ever happen to find said honey butter, feel free to take it home and fuck yourself with it.

If you are walking around for over an hour and the only things in your basket are a bunch of dried lavender, a dozen white roses, and a bag of Mexican blend shredded cheese, then you didn't "need" anything. What are you making? Potpourri tacos? Stay the fuck home.

If you are walking around the store without a shopping list and touching things and putting them back on the shelf because you just don't know what you want, you should probably stay the fuck home. You are a grown-ass man: make a shopping list, douche-bag.

If you are walking around "looking for inspiration", you are a fucking tool-bag and should probably stay the fuck home. What? You've never heard of the internet or a fucking cookbook? Get the fuck out of here.

If you get mad because I can't hear what you are saying while you speak very softly with a scarf wrapped around your mouth, get the fuck out of my face. You are a cunt. Maybe shop somewhere else, or stay the fuck home.

If you are coming in 3 - 5 times a week for a couple of items, you are an asshole and clearly haven't been paying attention. If you come in everyday like this is a normal week, you are an even bigger asshole.

If you see an empty shelf and ask me for the item that used to live on that shelf, go fuck yourself. No, I don't have any in the back. No, I will not go check. The shelf is empty. Byeeeeee.

If I am actively moving away from you because you are standing too close to me, do not proceed to move closer. Take the hint. Back the fuck up. Don't come at me like you want to crawl inside my mouth.

If you are harassing the person standing at the door who isn't letting you in because you aren't wearing a mask, go fuck yourself. Put a fucking mask on. Who the fuck do you think you are, exactly?

No, we do not have any hand sanitizer. Wash your fucking hands like a normal person, you fucking neanderthal.

If you are bored, do not go to the grocery store to kill time because in the process you might kill me or one of my friends.

I'm sorry that the safety of your home is getting to you. Some of us don't have the luxury of staying home. Read a book. Get a fucking hobby. Jerk off. But don't come to the fucking grocery store.

"Essential" workers are expendables, most of us have no illusions about that. As a whole, the customer base is selfish, ignorant, rude, negligent, and entitled. The next time you feel the urge to leave your house, don't. If you want to make something and you are missing one ingredient, tough shit; make something else, you fucking asshole.

Stop touching everything.

Stop asking stupid questions.

Stop acting like you are the only one going through this.

Stop pretending nothing is wrong.

Stop treating us like we owe you something, because we don't.

You owe us.

Heyo!

Heyo.

Esther Pollock here. You probably know me from my brief stint as a stunt double for Jennifer Lien as Kess on Star Trek: Voyager. I'm also a licensed shiatsu massage therapist and notary public on the weekends. Most of all, I am the creative genius behind Fire Mountaim Gems.

2020 marks my 14th year here at Fire Mountain Gems, and to celebrate we've designed some of the most audacious jewelery in the history of jewelry. Itself. Think about that. Let that sit with you for a while.

Let's jump right in!

"Double Deco" by Bettye Monzo

Bettye (pronounced bett-yeh) from Muncie, Indiana made this by hand and with little tweezers and a magnifying glass and a lot patience and good strong drink. Modeled by Gertrude from our Order Fulfillment Department. Perfect with a nondescript grey comfy-shirt. I would wear a design like this around the house on a day off. Unshowered.

"Twilight" by Guzialia Reed

"Keep it simple, Guzialia!" I said to her, but there you are. Modeled by Candace from our Pagan Relations Department. This piece covetted by banshees across the globe was once worn by Loreena McKennitt during her '02 tour, Canadian Witchcraft: An Ode to the Hurdy Gurdy. I love a 73 minute long lament featuring the lush sounds of the accordian, don't you? Truth be told, Loreena was later hospitalized due to a neck injury caused by the weight of this piece. Classic Guzialia.

"A Song of Ice and Fire" by Tatiana Van Iten

I had suggested "A Santa Beard from Far Away" as a working title but some people don't take kindly to humorous scenarios. This piece is great if you are cosplaying as an anthropomorphic ostrich flamenco dancer who is a widow in the Roaring Twenties. Prohibition Chic.

Good band name.

That's all for now, but stay tuned! 2020 has only just begun and me and the girls are just getting warmed up.

Best Wishes,

Esther Pollock

Head Designer

Fire Mountain Gems

Archival Fire Mountain Gems entry

[One from the vaults]

Heyo! Esther Pollock here - man-eater, part-time lover, and maniac. When I'm not photoshopping Chuck Norris' head onto well oiled nude bodies, I'm head designer here at Fire Mountain Gems - an American by-way-of-China institution.

So let's just cut the crust off this shit sandwich and get to the guts - 2017 was not a great year for designs. We're in the new year now, so let's start things off right with..."Venetian Beauty" by metal clay contest finalist, AnnMarie Fireman of Michigan, Ohio. This is a whopper, ladies. Weighing in at a whimsical 18.5lbs, Venetian Beauty will compliment any style: sassy librarian, coarse-yet-lovable sitcom sidekick, hippie refugee bootcamp counselor, or mystical sorceress of the wood.

And this is just the beginning! I've been designin my ass off and I just can't wait to show you more. Stay tuned! And Happy New Year!

Midnight Musings

Somewhere, there is a Universe where beards have magical powers and all the different beards have different powers. They wouldn't be like normal beards you could grow, but rather wear like you would wear a hat. One day you might wear the Beard of Storms and another the Wind Whiskers. Something to think about.

There is another Universe where Moms run the world and all of the superheroes and supervillians in this world are also Moms. We'll call it the Mommiverse.

In this week's issue, the Mother (pronounced like the insect, the moth, +er) goes up against Behemom and Mombie! No one ever pronounces the Mother's name correctly and it's a running joke for her entire professional life.

In the Mommiverse, there are lima beans with every meal; bed time is 7:30PM, even in the Summer when the Sun is still out; and all the moms communicate using a made-up language, possibly based on Italian, but maybe not. Meatballs always have yellow raisins in them and will be served with a sauce made from grape jelly and chili sauce; don't ask any questions!

It is 11:39PM and I want to call this entry "Midnight Musings" so I will write until midnight for authenticity's sake.

On an ocean world, deep below the surface, a massive system of gears and clockwork tick away unbeknownst to the island dwellers above. One night, an alien craft arrives and contaminates the seas, causing sudden and horrible mutations in the sealife. The island inhabitants are terrorized by aquatic abominations while the kind and telepathic whales of the emerald waters try to fight the aberration and protect the ancient machine that created their world. Will they purify the Great Sea and save the surface dwellers while protecting their secret?

I need a snack. Bad.

My baby made me tuna salad with jalapeno hummus and avocado instead of mayo and some other secret ingredients (celery). Put that on some toast. Mm mm, bitch. The New York Times called it "[a] tuna tour de force."

Fin-sational. Two flippers up. We were stuffed to the gills. Somebody stop me.

Goodnight now. Sleeps are upon me, you sweet bacons.