You're too busy, eating sesame sticks discounted from TJ Maxx

"...you're too busy, eating sesame sticks discounted from TJ Maxx." said my boyfriend in the voice of Veronica Cartwright from Witches of Eastwick.

And that's true. I just can't seem to get enough of those discounted sesame sticks from TJ Maxx. And that artichoke spread. And Tajin gummy peach rings.

You're probably asking yourself, "What kind of a person eats food from TJ Maxx?" And fuck you for judging me. I am clearly the kind of person that eats food from TJ Maxx; a desperate man on the edge of apex absurdity.

How did we get here? That is a somewhat longer conversation.

We went to visit my mother somewhere deep in the Pine Barrens. Her den was awash in tiny sparkle lights in mason jars and decorative vases as we watched a show called Neighborhood Wars featuring videos and interviews centering around neighbors behaving badly. There was a lot of yelling and cursing, some hammers, and very few bras. I love shows like this because they are gross and I'm gross for enjoying them. So, gross to them and gross to me too. Also, these shows are even more fun to watch with my mother because she has already watched all of the episodes, so I get the benefit of her commentary.

A couple of weeks later, we came back for Thanksgiving and there were two more iterations of this show: Customer Wars and Road Wars. Now, the themes of these shows are obvious but what became more obvious was that these videos are largely new and all from the Covid years. Neighborhood Wars came out in late 2021 and claims in the intro that because of an influx of people moving into the suburbs, "relationships between neighbors are being put to the test". People are behaving badly. Things are getter worse. The news is disturbing, and the bombs could drop at any moment, but keep going to work and act like everything is fine. Precariat!

Everybody has gone crazy. You know that, right? All you have to do is look around.

Christmas Wars is coming out soon, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it immensely.

We decorated the tree and watched some Christmas movies, the horrific Polar Express leading the pack for the title of Creepiest Holiday Movie Ever. Starring Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks, and Tom Hanks. Heart stopping train action, bad character acting, little teeth, hobo ghosts, and the uncanny valley. It's my boyfriend's favorite Christmas movie, so I must endure it year after year just like he must endure the 24-hour Christmas Story cycle at my mother's house. We all make sacrifices in the name of love and Christmas.

I'm never really sure where these things are going to go. Perhaps that's the point.

Nelson is doing an online yoga class right now as I write this, and they are talking about yoga blocks. It makes me think about how overpriced Whole Foods is. You can get that yoga mat for $39.99 at Whole Foods or $14.99 at TJ Maxx. $7.99 for that seasonal hot cocoa in the glass bottle at Whole Foods or $4.99 for the exact same thing at TJ Maxx. I think that if you aren't eating food from TJ Maxx, you are the asshole.

Tom's of Maine toothpaste is $9.99 a tube now. Isn't that insane? I'm about to make my own toothpaste out of rocks and salt at this point.

Well, that's all for now. Back to designing t-shirts and drinking ginger beer.

This message brought to you by Cologuard. Cologuard: we'll tell you if you have colon cancer. Maybe.

Damn it! Are we *really* out of poison?

Subtitle: Bring me the zucchini, you idiots! And other tales.

I don't like repeating myself but I often forget things. As a result, other people have to repeat themselves for me so I find it difficult to be angry with them when I am called upon to repeat myself for them. I get mad anyway. They say it's a choice, anger. I'm not so sure.

Today, someone said I didnt know what I was talking about when I was in fact an expert on the subject. The topic is irrelevant. The point is: people will question you no matter what your experience, education, or ability. They are weaklings. You are stronger and smarter than them. The only one that needs to know that is you.

Christmas happened again. It is a thing hyoomons do.

2020 is beginning to feed on the internal organs of 2019 before it finally gains enough strength to burst through 2019's ribcage, spraying blood all over Ryan Seacrest's face and marring an otherwise banal New Year's Eve celebration in New York City (said in a cowboy voice like the Pace Picante commercials). A sea of gobsmacked ninnies in stupid hats heave against a stage where a rhinestoned sow can't even be bothered to remember the words to her own song. Happy New Year! Oh my god, it has acid for blood!

Let's try to salvage this into more of a "Happy New Year" vibe, shall we?

2020 will be another year of possibilities. Dwell in possibility. Good luck. And Godspeed.