Midnight Musings

Somewhere, there is a Universe where beards have magical powers and all the different beards have different powers. They wouldn't be like normal beards you could grow, but rather wear like you would wear a hat. One day you might wear the Beard of Storms and another the Wind Whiskers. Something to think about.

There is another Universe where Moms run the world and all of the superheroes and supervillians in this world are also Moms. We'll call it the Mommiverse.

In this week's issue, the Mother (pronounced like the insect, the moth, +er) goes up against Behemom and Mombie! No one ever pronounces the Mother's name correctly and it's a running joke for her entire professional life.

In the Mommiverse, there are lima beans with every meal; bed time is 7:30PM, even in the Summer when the Sun is still out; and all the moms communicate using a made-up language, possibly based on Italian, but maybe not. Meatballs always have yellow raisins in them and will be served with a sauce made from grape jelly and chili sauce; don't ask any questions!

It is 11:39PM and I want to call this entry "Midnight Musings" so I will write until midnight for authenticity's sake.

On an ocean world, deep below the surface, a massive system of gears and clockwork tick away unbeknownst to the island dwellers above. One night, an alien craft arrives and contaminates the seas, causing sudden and horrible mutations in the sealife. The island inhabitants are terrorized by aquatic abominations while the kind and telepathic whales of the emerald waters try to fight the aberration and protect the ancient machine that created their world. Will they purify the Great Sea and save the surface dwellers while protecting their secret?

I need a snack. Bad.

My baby made me tuna salad with jalapeno hummus and avocado instead of mayo and some other secret ingredients (celery). Put that on some toast. Mm mm, bitch. The New York Times called it "[a] tuna tour de force."

Fin-sational. Two flippers up. We were stuffed to the gills. Somebody stop me.

Goodnight now. Sleeps are upon me, you sweet bacons.

Shiver Me Timbers

It's been a while. Don't sing the song.

I have trouble with time management in my personal life. And dishes. And laundry.

Next to my bed there is a milk-crate filled with mismatched socks. On my counter there is a portrait of Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds next to a picture of my grandparents which is next to Piper and Leo's wedding picture (they are characters from the original Charmed series for those not in the know). I'm half-decorated for Halloween and there are wigs and large high-heeled shoes strewn about the wreckage that is my apartment. It looks like a drag queen lives here, but she's nowhere to be found.

I wonder where she could be?

There is a Korean BBQ salmon burger in the fridge, whatever the shit that means. I guess I could cook it. I will probably end up eating 3 Italian Ices instead. Maybe I'll order take-out. Any suggestions?

We find out if we won the Eisner Award on July 19th. I hope we win. We might. I'm going to law-of-attraction-the-secret this shit right now. We won the Eisner. We got the animated series. We got the merchandising deals. You heard, Universe?

I just want to be able to move into a cute house with some land so I can write all day and eat cucumber salad I made with shit from my garden. I want a Green Acres moment, feeding the chickens in a feathered negligee. I want to make dinner for my man every night and sit on the porch sipping tea waiting for my 5mg melatonin to kick in. It isn't a long list of demands.

I'm plugging along at present. I have a cat shaped pillow that is very cute and cuddly. I sleep with it every night; it brings me peace. I have rediscovered the virtues of pink cake.

I'm so f*cking hungry right now. Korean BBQ salmon burger. What was I thinking?