Heyo!

Heyo.

Esther Pollock here. You probably know me from my brief stint as a stunt double for Jennifer Lien as Kess on Star Trek: Voyager. I'm also a licensed shiatsu massage therapist and notary public on the weekends. Most of all, I am the creative genius behind Fire Mountaim Gems.

2020 marks my 14th year here at Fire Mountain Gems, and to celebrate we've designed some of the most audacious jewelery in the history of jewelry. Itself. Think about that. Let that sit with you for a while.

Let's jump right in!

"Double Deco" by Bettye Monzo

Bettye (pronounced bett-yeh) from Muncie, Indiana made this by hand and with little tweezers and a magnifying glass and a lot patience and good strong drink. Modeled by Gertrude from our Order Fulfillment Department. Perfect with a nondescript grey comfy-shirt. I would wear a design like this around the house on a day off. Unshowered.

"Twilight" by Guzialia Reed

"Keep it simple, Guzialia!" I said to her, but there you are. Modeled by Candace from our Pagan Relations Department. This piece covetted by banshees across the globe was once worn by Loreena McKennitt during her '02 tour, Canadian Witchcraft: An Ode to the Hurdy Gurdy. I love a 73 minute long lament featuring the lush sounds of the accordian, don't you? Truth be told, Loreena was later hospitalized due to a neck injury caused by the weight of this piece. Classic Guzialia.

"A Song of Ice and Fire" by Tatiana Van Iten

I had suggested "A Santa Beard from Far Away" as a working title but some people don't take kindly to humorous scenarios. This piece is great if you are cosplaying as an anthropomorphic ostrich flamenco dancer who is a widow in the Roaring Twenties. Prohibition Chic.

Good band name.

That's all for now, but stay tuned! 2020 has only just begun and me and the girls are just getting warmed up.

Best Wishes,

Esther Pollock

Head Designer

Fire Mountain Gems

Archival Fire Mountain Gems entry

[One from the vaults]

Heyo! Esther Pollock here - man-eater, part-time lover, and maniac. When I'm not photoshopping Chuck Norris' head onto well oiled nude bodies, I'm head designer here at Fire Mountain Gems - an American by-way-of-China institution.

So let's just cut the crust off this shit sandwich and get to the guts - 2017 was not a great year for designs. We're in the new year now, so let's start things off right with..."Venetian Beauty" by metal clay contest finalist, AnnMarie Fireman of Michigan, Ohio. This is a whopper, ladies. Weighing in at a whimsical 18.5lbs, Venetian Beauty will compliment any style: sassy librarian, coarse-yet-lovable sitcom sidekick, hippie refugee bootcamp counselor, or mystical sorceress of the wood.

And this is just the beginning! I've been designin my ass off and I just can't wait to show you more. Stay tuned! And Happy New Year!

Midnight Musings

Somewhere, there is a Universe where beards have magical powers and all the different beards have different powers. They wouldn't be like normal beards you could grow, but rather wear like you would wear a hat. One day you might wear the Beard of Storms and another the Wind Whiskers. Something to think about.

There is another Universe where Moms run the world and all of the superheroes and supervillians in this world are also Moms. We'll call it the Mommiverse.

In this week's issue, the Mother (pronounced like the insect, the moth, +er) goes up against Behemom and Mombie! No one ever pronounces the Mother's name correctly and it's a running joke for her entire professional life.

In the Mommiverse, there are lima beans with every meal; bed time is 7:30PM, even in the Summer when the Sun is still out; and all the moms communicate using a made-up language, possibly based on Italian, but maybe not. Meatballs always have yellow raisins in them and will be served with a sauce made from grape jelly and chili sauce; don't ask any questions!

It is 11:39PM and I want to call this entry "Midnight Musings" so I will write until midnight for authenticity's sake.

On an ocean world, deep below the surface, a massive system of gears and clockwork tick away unbeknownst to the island dwellers above. One night, an alien craft arrives and contaminates the seas, causing sudden and horrible mutations in the sealife. The island inhabitants are terrorized by aquatic abominations while the kind and telepathic whales of the emerald waters try to fight the aberration and protect the ancient machine that created their world. Will they purify the Great Sea and save the surface dwellers while protecting their secret?

I need a snack. Bad.

My baby made me tuna salad with jalapeno hummus and avocado instead of mayo and some other secret ingredients (celery). Put that on some toast. Mm mm, bitch. The New York Times called it "[a] tuna tour de force."

Fin-sational. Two flippers up. We were stuffed to the gills. Somebody stop me.

Goodnight now. Sleeps are upon me, you sweet bacons.