Fire Mountain Gems: Coronavirus Edition

Heyo! Esther Pollock here. As you probably know, I'm the head honcho over here at Fire Mountain Gems. I'm pictured here with my fellow FMG designers, Scotty Blumpkin and Dan Pizzazz. Don't worry, this picture was taken a long time ago; we are all responsibly social-distancing as per the CDC and the great state of Minnesota. We just want you to know that Fire Mountain Gems is here for you during this uncertain time. And I know some of you are concerned that our entire catalog of products is manufactured in the People's Republic of China, but rest assured I am drowning that shit in sanitizer and prayer.

After several months of mandatory isolation, I can now say with confidence that I am a cross stitch master:

I've been keeping my mind sharp; I have read every issue of TV Guide from 1967 to 1992. I have seen every episode of New Girl, twice. The sound of my husband's voice makes me want to whip him to death with a slightly used cat o' nine tails I picked up at a swap meet. I have enough toilet paper to last until Spring 2046. If I have to eat one more bean, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Luckily, with so much time on their hands, my team has been hard at work to bring you these quarantine chic designs. I'm very proud of what we've done here amidst this crisis, and I hope you can appreciate the craftsmanship as I do.

I can hardly believe it myself, Louise! Who doesn't like disembodied heads of conjoined twins, I ask you?* Connected by Louise Shadonix reminds us to stay connected but non-physically because you don't want to catch the coronavirus and get decapitated like these poor bastards. Decapi-tantalizing!

I would wear this to an African Wildlife Foundation charity gala, if such a thing still existed. I met Joe Exotic at the last one. Nice fella. A little liberal with the Drakkar Noir though.

*[I was later told this was supposed to be the disembodied heads of a mother and baby giraffe. Either way, disembodied heads, am I right?]

I mean, ok. Rainbow Rock Garden by Sarah Machtey doesn't have any rocks in it. I just want to be upfront about that.

This piece is perfect if you are an elementary school art teacher with nothing to lose. The online school year is winding down and you've got fake leaves in storage that are taunting you from the crawlspace. You could whip this up in 2 minutes in the comfort of your own home and still have time for a cam-show before you take a few online surveys to earn Amazon gift-cards. Can be worn all seasons, tits in or out.

Ilaria, you've done it again. Once Upon a Time, I nearly gagged on the elegance of this piece. Medieval meets magnifique! Versatile doesn't begin to describe this complicated mesh of fantasy themed elements like weird babies lustily cupping landscapes, double dragon castle times, and a fancy fairy dangling from the bottom by her teeth. Just throw this on with any old thing: some peachy scoop-neck flowy top; why not? Sure to be a conversation starter with yourself since you can't go anywhere or see anyone. I guess you could wear it on a video call. Wear it on a Zoom call! Or Skype! Do people still Skype or is that only for masturbating?

That's all for now, my little gems. Stay tuned for more jewelry you can wear at home with your cat while you bury your children under the shed. Stay safe! Wash your hands! No mouth stuff, only hand stuff! Then wash you hands again!

Best,

Esther Pollock
Head Designer
Fire Mountain Gems

Heyo!

Heyo.

Esther Pollock here. You probably know me from my brief stint as a stunt double for Jennifer Lien as Kess on Star Trek: Voyager. I'm also a licensed shiatsu massage therapist and notary public on the weekends. Most of all, I am the creative genius behind Fire Mountaim Gems.

2020 marks my 14th year here at Fire Mountain Gems, and to celebrate we've designed some of the most audacious jewelery in the history of jewelry. Itself. Think about that. Let that sit with you for a while.

Let's jump right in!

"Double Deco" by Bettye Monzo

Bettye (pronounced bett-yeh) from Muncie, Indiana made this by hand and with little tweezers and a magnifying glass and a lot patience and good strong drink. Modeled by Gertrude from our Order Fulfillment Department. Perfect with a nondescript grey comfy-shirt. I would wear a design like this around the house on a day off. Unshowered.

"Twilight" by Guzialia Reed

"Keep it simple, Guzialia!" I said to her, but there you are. Modeled by Candace from our Pagan Relations Department. This piece covetted by banshees across the globe was once worn by Loreena McKennitt during her '02 tour, Canadian Witchcraft: An Ode to the Hurdy Gurdy. I love a 73 minute long lament featuring the lush sounds of the accordian, don't you? Truth be told, Loreena was later hospitalized due to a neck injury caused by the weight of this piece. Classic Guzialia.

"A Song of Ice and Fire" by Tatiana Van Iten

I had suggested "A Santa Beard from Far Away" as a working title but some people don't take kindly to humorous scenarios. This piece is great if you are cosplaying as an anthropomorphic ostrich flamenco dancer who is a widow in the Roaring Twenties. Prohibition Chic.

Good band name.

That's all for now, but stay tuned! 2020 has only just begun and me and the girls are just getting warmed up.

Best Wishes,

Esther Pollock

Head Designer

Fire Mountain Gems

Archival Fire Mountain Gems entry

[One from the vaults]

Heyo! Esther Pollock here - man-eater, part-time lover, and maniac. When I'm not photoshopping Chuck Norris' head onto well oiled nude bodies, I'm head designer here at Fire Mountain Gems - an American by-way-of-China institution.

So let's just cut the crust off this shit sandwich and get to the guts - 2017 was not a great year for designs. We're in the new year now, so let's start things off right with..."Venetian Beauty" by metal clay contest finalist, AnnMarie Fireman of Michigan, Ohio. This is a whopper, ladies. Weighing in at a whimsical 18.5lbs, Venetian Beauty will compliment any style: sassy librarian, coarse-yet-lovable sitcom sidekick, hippie refugee bootcamp counselor, or mystical sorceress of the wood.

And this is just the beginning! I've been designin my ass off and I just can't wait to show you more. Stay tuned! And Happy New Year!

Midnight Musings

Somewhere, there is a Universe where beards have magical powers and all the different beards have different powers. They wouldn't be like normal beards you could grow, but rather wear like you would wear a hat. One day you might wear the Beard of Storms and another the Wind Whiskers. Something to think about.

There is another Universe where Moms run the world and all of the superheroes and supervillians in this world are also Moms. We'll call it the Mommiverse.

In this week's issue, the Mother (pronounced like the insect, the moth, +er) goes up against Behemom and Mombie! No one ever pronounces the Mother's name correctly and it's a running joke for her entire professional life.

In the Mommiverse, there are lima beans with every meal; bed time is 7:30PM, even in the Summer when the Sun is still out; and all the moms communicate using a made-up language, possibly based on Italian, but maybe not. Meatballs always have yellow raisins in them and will be served with a sauce made from grape jelly and chili sauce; don't ask any questions!

It is 11:39PM and I want to call this entry "Midnight Musings" so I will write until midnight for authenticity's sake.

On an ocean world, deep below the surface, a massive system of gears and clockwork tick away unbeknownst to the island dwellers above. One night, an alien craft arrives and contaminates the seas, causing sudden and horrible mutations in the sealife. The island inhabitants are terrorized by aquatic abominations while the kind and telepathic whales of the emerald waters try to fight the aberration and protect the ancient machine that created their world. Will they purify the Great Sea and save the surface dwellers while protecting their secret?

I need a snack. Bad.

My baby made me tuna salad with jalapeno hummus and avocado instead of mayo and some other secret ingredients (celery). Put that on some toast. Mm mm, bitch. The New York Times called it "[a] tuna tour de force."

Fin-sational. Two flippers up. We were stuffed to the gills. Somebody stop me.

Goodnight now. Sleeps are upon me, you sweet bacons.

Damn it! Are we *really* out of poison?

Subtitle: Bring me the zucchini, you idiots! And other tales.

I don't like repeating myself but I often forget things. As a result, other people have to repeat themselves for me so I find it difficult to be angry with them when I am called upon to repeat myself for them. I get mad anyway. They say it's a choice, anger. I'm not so sure.

Today, someone said I didnt know what I was talking about when I was in fact an expert on the subject. The topic is irrelevant. The point is: people will question you no matter what your experience, education, or ability. They are weaklings. You are stronger and smarter than them. The only one that needs to know that is you.

Christmas happened again. It is a thing hyoomons do.

2020 is beginning to feed on the internal organs of 2019 before it finally gains enough strength to burst through 2019's ribcage, spraying blood all over Ryan Seacrest's face and marring an otherwise banal New Year's Eve celebration in New York City (said in a cowboy voice like the Pace Picante commercials). A sea of gobsmacked ninnies in stupid hats heave against a stage where a rhinestoned sow can't even be bothered to remember the words to her own song. Happy New Year! Oh my god, it has acid for blood!

Let's try to salvage this into more of a "Happy New Year" vibe, shall we?

2020 will be another year of possibilities. Dwell in possibility. Good luck. And Godspeed.

Dear Dad,

One year ago today, you started your cosmic journey. It is a day that frankly haunts me. I can remember seeing your face in the clouds on the ride home from the hospital. There are other things I wish I could forget.

There were so many times I wanted to call you and tell you something funny or interesting or recommend an awesome movie. Those are the worst moments.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear a song on the radio that reminds me of you. Indigo Girls or Enya or Steeleye Span will come on shuffle in the car and I turn up the volume to sing along. Well, except to Enya because what the fuck is she even saying really?

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine, yeah

I watch movies like Big Trouble In Little China or the Golden Child because they make me feel good. I have VHS tapes from the 80's where you are smiling and laughing and cracking jokes. On my second birthday when you and Mom and me were walking around in the wilds of Waldwick, you posed for a picture with mom while Jimmy Ambrose held the camera and you kept grabbing mom's boob. It was pretty hilarious. Neither of you have changed one bit. It's funny to hear your young voices, octaves higher than now. Still slinging the same catchphrases and making the same faces. I don't know if having the ability to see you and hear you and watch you live again is a blessing or not. It's almost cruel in a way.

If I see a silver beard and a motorcycle, for a minute I think it's you, everytime.

It hasn't gotten any easier. There are a lot of things I regret. There are a lot of things I wish I hadn't said and I lot of things I wish I had said. Regrets are pointless, but I think that makes them sting all the more. Am I making sense?

I don't think anyone is having an easy time with your absense. We all have guilt and regret to deal with, and it hasn't come easy. There have been injuries along the way, miss-steps. I'm not sure what to do now; not sure there is anything left to do except try to figure out how life looks without you. I hope you are out there in the stars keeping an eye on things and it brings me comfort to imagine that. It's probably a fairytale, but if anyone can make me believe in magic it is you.

Belief in magic was your gift to me.

Please watch over us. Especially my brothers. I love you. I wish you were here.

Love,

David

PS - There are still no aliens and Hillary Clinton hasn't transformed into a lizard on live television yet. Yet.

Shiver Me Timbers

It's been a while. Don't sing the song.

I have trouble with time management in my personal life. And dishes. And laundry.

Next to my bed there is a milk-crate filled with mismatched socks. On my counter there is a portrait of Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds next to a picture of my grandparents which is next to Piper and Leo's wedding picture (they are characters from the original Charmed series for those not in the know). I'm half-decorated for Halloween and there are wigs and large high-heeled shoes strewn about the wreckage that is my apartment. It looks like a drag queen lives here, but she's nowhere to be found.

I wonder where she could be?

There is a Korean BBQ salmon burger in the fridge, whatever the shit that means. I guess I could cook it. I will probably end up eating 3 Italian Ices instead. Maybe I'll order take-out. Any suggestions?

We find out if we won the Eisner Award on July 19th. I hope we win. We might. I'm going to law-of-attraction-the-secret this shit right now. We won the Eisner. We got the animated series. We got the merchandising deals. You heard, Universe?

I just want to be able to move into a cute house with some land so I can write all day and eat cucumber salad I made with shit from my garden. I want a Green Acres moment, feeding the chickens in a feathered negligee. I want to make dinner for my man every night and sit on the porch sipping tea waiting for my 5mg melatonin to kick in. It isn't a long list of demands.

I'm plugging along at present. I have a cat shaped pillow that is very cute and cuddly. I sleep with it every night; it brings me peace. I have rediscovered the virtues of pink cake.

I'm so f*cking hungry right now. Korean BBQ salmon burger. What was I thinking?